Church Wants More People in Hell
I failed to write yesterday cause I was tied up at wanting to end my life.
It’s my fourth attempt already. This time, I did not write any suicide notes. Like all the other 3, I, again, chickened out even though I took the necessary steps in the suicide manual I found through Google.I used a bag to suffocate myself. I started to feel drowsy already and almost lost consciousness when, my survival instinct kicked in and tore that plastic bag.
It’s been a month since I stopped taking depression meds. No one here knows I’ve been taking it cause Prozac is tantamount to admitting in front of a courtroom you’re nuts. I’ve been battling depression since last year. It’s an on and off thing.
I hit rock bottom recently after I confirmed my suspicions that my parents don’t have plans of giving me my money back after they promised to repay it for a week. It’s been 2 months since then and, literally, my life stood still for that 2 months. I can’t even buy a bar of soap and go to my favorite fast food. I haven’t loose weight,though, since I pig-out when I have such problems.
My mom, the who manipulated me to “lend” her my money, refused to pay my DSL bills. She considers what I do here part of my capriciousness even after the nth time of explaining to her that this is a source of income for me. It was messy and I ended up breaking one of her old porcelain vases.
I’m moving out once she pays me her due so I’m stacking my schedule posts to last 2 months in case I would still be busy looking for a place to stay. I was planning to move to Cebu last January using that money and I’m happy, at the same time, disheveled cause this will be the first time in my life. I’m 22, by the way.
So much for suicide…
. Now I I’m thankful most scientists don’t believe in god cause if they do, the human race would not prosper.
I also find the thing about excessive wealth a bit funny. Wealth is relative, I suppose. Pinoys think 2 million pesos is excessive. Does it mean people who have more than 2 million, sinful? Does god really want his people to be satisfied with poverty? This is the thing I hate about Catholicism. Church leaders makes people believe that they have to suffer to attain the kingdom of god.
Well, since the pope is the ruler of Vatican, I hope people, like me, should not give it much water. It’s their law, people in other nations don’t need to follow it.
I bet some of you wants to leave me hate comments now.
Tags: antics, battling depression, capriciousness, catholic, courtroom, depression meds, feature, Features, going to confession, google, letterman, loose weight, necessary steps, Pinoy, porcelain vases, prozac, rerun, rock bottom, seven deadly sins, Spoof, suicide notes, survival instinct, suspicions, update
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Bendz, it’s sad to read about your thoughts of suicide. Lots of people care about you and if you’re ever feeling adventurous you come stay with me in LA. 2000ecs per night on my sofa, but I know you can afford it. Nyahahahah
StanHayes’s last blog post..Larry King’s Fantasy Baseball News & Views
Cheer up Bendz … We would all miss you
Suzanne’s last blog post..Get Paid to Blog: Career Blogging
Here’s hoping things are looking up very soon for ya.
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Yo Bendz….hang in there my friend. There are always lessons in our lives and some of them come in the form of pain and suffering. One day you will discover what this lesson was and be thankful that you learned it. I only tell you this from the mass amounts of pain and sufferings that I have endured in my life.
Keep on keepin on my man!
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Bendz.. I know we don’t communicate other than dropping cards back and forth… but you’ve become a “familiar” to me on entrecard. You are not alone (though I know you must know this) in your battles of depression (I am on depression meds myself and beginning to think I may need a higher dose). Please, keep writing, keep your chin up and don’t leave us.
Momma Muse
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Bendz… I suffered with depression for a long time myself, so I know how that is.
And never mind Stan’s sofa. I’ve got a whole ROOM (furnished!) for only 2000ec a WEEK.
Stick with us, kiddo. You’re a bright spot in the forums and a mess of people really like you.
Kelly’s last blog post..Holy WordPress, Batman!
Thank goodness for your survival instinct.
10 Reasons to not do it.
1. An old friend of mine commited suicide a few years back, I miss them. It’s unclear whether it was suicide or an accident (there was no note left) they were difficuly to get on with at times, not everyones cup of tea, but I definately miss them.
2. It’s a cliche, but it really is a waste of a young life.
3. I don’t want to sound patronising, but there’s a point in your future where the problems you have now will seem insignifcant.
4. That day gets closer every day.
5. My sofa, it is more expensive (2,500 ECs/night, to reflect the fact that I would have to explain your presence to the wife)
6. You are going to have such a good time in your future with people that you haven’t even met yet.
7. Some things are not meant to resolve themselves, sometimes arguments and disputes last a lifetime, sometimes justice never comes.
Sometimes it does though, how will you know unless you stick around?
8. There’s no shame in mental illness (especially depression, it’s really common) and taking medication is not something to be ashamed of.
9. One less reciprocating Entrecarder out there is surely a bad thing?
10. You know this reason yourself. Look deep and fill it the blank…
Tam’s last blog post..Getting back on track
I liked what Tam said…
Bendzie, you’re too smart to think stupid thoughts…
Life is full of ups and downs, you’ll be on your way back up in no time.
You make me smile unlike 97% of the population, so to me, you’re special. Keep writing and writing well. Good things will come.
Hey Bendz!
I’m another that so far only knows you through drops back and forth and what I have read of your posts in the EC forums. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch, but take it from someone who’s been through many rough patches, when it seems things could never possibly get worse the only other option is things getting better right? I’m 10 years older then you and life continues to throw me many ups and downs, but you know what it’s given me? Strength for one, and stories for another! Think about yourself 10 years from now…king of blogging with stories to tell about the rough times you had! I have to say I have a bit of belief in things happen for a reason, you’re still here today for a reason, there’s your sign to stay strong, grow strong and give us many years of your blogging to enjoy!
Be strong my EC friend!
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Bendz,
I am happy to hear you’re still here. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This too will pass, no matter how hopeless things seem to be right now!
Depression is an illness and does NOT mean you are nuts, crazy or anything like that. It can be caused by many things; personal circumstances, genetics or for example changes in the chemistry of your brain. Taking your medication will balance the chemistry in your brain and/or take the edge of your deep dark feelings. So it might be a good idea to start taking them again.
I hope you will reach out for help to someone you trust, because it is not good to go through this by yourself. I wish you all the best and hope your situation will improve soon!
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Bendz…I’ve been there. I’m not going to say simple things, because you sound in a complicated and serious place. Please call someone who can offer solace, assessment, intervention, meds or more importantly can help you build on that profound survival skill.
I will say it won’t always hurt like this. Swear.
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Bendz,
I’ve been there and done that. I used to research the best methods of suicide. At one point I tried overdosing on Vitamin B-12s because I read it would work and be painless. It didn’t work and I was awake for 3 days. I understand depression. I understand feeling your parents are your destruction. I truly understand because I’ve been there. However, this once loveless soul is now happily married with a beautiful child and a life I can call my own. I know if I can get passed it, others can too. That includes you.
Mike a.k.a. Saph
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If I could adopt you or hug you I would.
beeker’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen
Thank goodness you didn’t do it.. life is so much more and doesn’t deserve to be ended that way.
You may feel that you’re alone but we at Entrecard community are your friends too & we all love you
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Depression is a normal feeling, and like any gentle storm it will soon pass. Don’t let life get you down.
divorce your parents asap. you repay her enuf for your birth by continuing to live. beyond that, you dont owe them a thing.
ella’s last blog post..DIY Anger Management
Thanks for the support guys. This was really unexpected.
I met the school’s guidance councilor who has been with me through what happened last year.
It’s amazing how a good cry erases some of the pain away. I used to be a cry baby but after several aches and bruises I find it hard to shed a drop unless it’s from being in front of the PC for hours.
I’m alright now and planning of moving out to the city. It’s hard to find someone to talk to here who gets my point. As I have said in the forum, I’m in a sort of Amish community with faith, I disagree on, a culture I think is absurd, and people who don’t share my interest in Lost or House and my views on the world.
Again, thank you guys for the support. It really means a lot.
bendz’s last blog post..Church Wants More People in Hell
Glad you are coming back to the fold. Depression is one of those diseases that sneaks up on you in the middle of the night. I think nearly everyone in the world has suffered from it at one point in time to one degree or another. I hope you never have it this bad again, but let’s be safe and go back to taking your medication and seeking counseling on a regular basis.
Money is money. It’s a commodity that can be gotten or lost pretty easily. You’re a talented guy who will make plenty of it in your lifetime. Forget what you gave your parents. It’s their conscience that is burning, you did a right and fair thing but you are not bound to support them, so follow your heart and your plans to make a better life. At some time, you will need to make peace with them, but holding a grudge against them for a few dollars will make it really hard to do that. Forgive and do your best to forget.
It’s a big wide world out there. The little corner you live in is just that, a corner. Come out and play, Bendz.
M
Margaret’s last blog post..How Can Oprah Allow This To Happen On Her Show?
Hey …
Who would’ve thought you’re having all these problems when you’re such a bubbly personality at EC. Hang in there kid. We all have our tough moments and sometimes the church/or family really sucks and just makes us feel worse. Life sucks.
But not all the time :).
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I’m happy to hear you’re doing better and have some plans!
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No bullshit — when I was 22, I had so many problems. Right now, with a light bulb swinging over my head and the KGB interrogating me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what those problems were.
BTW, when I was on the WGA picket line, I met some writers of Lost. SPOILER ALERT, they’re all dead! (The characters on the show, not the writers.)
BTW II, if this is kinda duplicate comment, my bad. I tried to submit and the thingie messed up.
BTW III, the spoiler alert was a joke. The writers wouldn’t give away any spoilers.
StanHayes’s last blog post..Top Hundred Overall for 2008
Yep, a good cry sometimes is… well… good.
And you TOTALLY need to get out of town that doesn’t understand Lost and (especially) House.
And! I think I speak for a lot of us… you wanna talk, we’ll listen.
Kelly’s last blog post..Holy WordPress, Batman!
Our school’s guidance councilor is the closet thing to having a shrink. It’s a profession only practiced in huge cities. How I wish I was born somewhere else.
I still have some dough on the stock exchange and I guess it would be the right time to sell it now that TEL seems bearish. I’m gonna make a better use of.
@Stan
I thought, for a moment, my “Purgatory” theory was confirmed heheh. I’m still on Season 1 heheh.
By the way, I thought KGB was not operational anymore. heheheh
The KGB want you to think they’re not operational anymore. Wrap your head around that!
StanHayes’s last blog post..Top Hundred Overall for 2008
Hey dude. You got a fan right here and would surely miss your Entrecard 125×125 logo in my inbox daily. So thanks goodness the inert goodness in you overpowered those unfortunate thoughts of getting a permanent- no turning back solution to a temporary problem (quoting Sandra).
If ever I get to visit your area one of these days, let’s have some drinks - only if you drink. If you happen to visit Manila, let’s try to experience all those sins Vatican is teaching. LOL. Cheers man, you see, lots people love you.
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You have a lot of people here who care about you so don’t feel like you’re alone in this. It really sucks that there is such a strong stigma in Asia with regards to mental health disorders. Mental healthy patients will do a lot better with more support.
The desire for suicide is totally the depression talking and not you so if the meds are working, it’s really better to take them regularly. If they’re not, you should talk to your psychiatrist and see about getting them changed. Regular psychotherapy sessions are a great help too.
Take care, Bendz.
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@Bloggista
Hehehe. Di ako umiinom kung di ako ang nagbabayad. heheh Just kidding.
I’ll probably be there for an interview this summer. Dalawa choices ko eh, Cebu or Manila. hehhe. I want to settle in Baguio someday.
@Lis
Thanks for the concern. I’m back on meds now and back to my bubbly self.
Bendz… to read your words above… I can’t imagine how you must’ve been feeling at the time.
I’m glad to hear the moment has passed - and wish you strength and comfort to get over it (coz it’s never over overnight), and friendship and love to keep it at bay.
Dette’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #2 ~ Peep Show
Putin = KGB
…however you put it. They like to appear as defunct but the powers-that-be and tactics which kept Putin in place all these years is the KGB machinery.
Bendz, you’re right, Wealth is relative, in the Philippines that is a fact of life. “The more wealth, the more relatives”
Take life easy man, life is something you should enjoy and not be depressed about. Keep it up and don’t forget to breathe (literally speaking)
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